Emmanuel and all that it entails
All the Melo-Drama unfit to print.


5/17/2003  

Shat

As in the past tense of shit. It's a word that you usually don't see on this side of the Atlantic (and by that I mean the western side) and especially around here (again the west side --WEST SIIIIDE!) Enough of that.

IT"S TIME FOR MY NEW BLOG

The jealousy has set in. I'm tired of seeing other peoples slick sweet looking Blogs and mine just looking so much shated... Never mind that.
No more posts until this new bad boy is up!

Peace until then.
-E.Mwangi

posted by gimptek | 5/17/2003 06:45:00 AM


5/13/2003  

Old Friends Hopeful Lovers
"...don't be caught too close to the beach..."

What a title. With that title, one could go places, conceptually, that I haven't even mentioned yet. Places that mine alone to go, mine alone to wander free, yes, wander free like a calf in spring time.

Spring. It's here. So are all the flowers and Mother's Day and the ansy butterflies, that flitter from flower to acidic flower in that bowl of sunshine known as the pit of my stomach.

Hemlines are going up like the temperature and its all a guy can do stay away from noticing this going on all around them. Backs, arms, necks and even stomachs bared for the sun to see, I just happen to be around when that happens--I a person of the public, in the public area just happen to see this.

Some say "bounce the eyes" but, I ask where is my rest? Where is the beauty without peril, the cute girl that isn't a hottie or at least doesn't dress that way?

I guess it's too late.

Because I LOVE low riding jeans and that belt of skin that's just so fashionable these days, around a girls proper stomach below a tee-shirt or better yet a tank top that stops just short of the waist and jeans that start just two beats after the bottom of the stomach. Luck is seeing a belly button, greater luck is if it's taut, tanned skin and it's the very Fates themselves if the owner of these happens to smile at you.

Friendliness is another by-product of spring like capris and pheremones. Both get the blood rushing and like a tidal wave, it's better to avoid rather than take on directly and as some villagers tend to move farther inland, I tend to stay indoors. For the both of us, physical displacement works best but, don't be caught too close to the beach, especially in monsoon season or earthquake season.

posted by gimptek | 5/13/2003 03:46:00 AM


5/10/2003  

Oh... And before I forget

BAD_ASSTHETIC - A possible replacement, side project/identity set to Slackstation.

So far, a name (that speaks for itself) and an idea for monkeying around under this new name. Something to hold the place between Slackstation and a REAL design ID.

Tell[e_mwangi at yahoo dot com] me what you think.

posted by gimptek | 5/10/2003 02:34:00 AM


5/09/2003  

When Cursing seems closer to the truth
So good, now with 2 quotes

...it's almost as bad as active listening which is my greatest pet peeves of late. It's also something I do all the time without realizing it.

...if people ignore the truth and like too much stomach acid, eat away at the delicate inner lining of their soul!

What I said in the blog on the 5/5 was hyperbole. I didn't mean it. Don't get me wrong, it's the truth of how I felt but, it's not what I belive. And I'm not saying this because of the language used. I'll say FUCK IT when I feel like it. So, in the spirit of the blog, it was the right thing to do and I don't regret it. I regret feeling like that and letting that feeling get my goat so much. But, then that's the jist of the problem.

I'm getting so annoyed that I'm thinking of leaving my church. The church that I love and that loves me. Sorry for all you non-church goers out there that don't think one can be happy in church (much less find God). A good church will help you do both as mine does.

I had a really introspective and deeply revealing blog all written up in the middle of the night on a weirdly random Fullerton College Student Handbook and Academic Planner. It's written in almost illegibly small handwriting. I tend to write that way as a hopeless way of trying to hide what I write from myself and others but, it tends to make people more inquisitive about what's written there. Obscuring the text a bit (by making it smaller and hard to read) presents people with an easily overcome problem. This gives the thing more interest and draws attention to it.

It's like people whispering in right next to someone else. It makes me want to try to overhear the people and I have to put effort actively not listening. It's very annoying (just so you know) and it's almost as bad as active listening which is my greatest pet peeves of late. It's also something I do all the time without realizing it.

In the interest of my readership and my own burgeoning ego, I'm contemplating setting up a photoblog (a weblog of photography) on my own server with some swank custom software.

It excites me to think that I have readers. A readership. Other bloggers just assume they have them and write like it until they come. It makes for a cool back log of posts that readers can later browse if people ignore the truth and like too much stomach acid, eat away at the delicate inner lining of their soul!

Nuff Said.

posted by gimptek | 5/09/2003 06:06:00 AM


5/05/2003  

Safety in Groups

Ironically, they are one of my new favorite bands--The Hives.

The Hives are pretty good angery music but, in a very... Simplistically, minimalistic, swedish post-punk 70's punk revival sort of way. In other words, they ROCK.

I don't think I really want people reading this page. Now that I've been thinking about it. I almost want strangers and not friends. That's what's going on already.

Everyone that reads this seems to care enough about what's going on with their friend to read a freaking link every now and then. Those that don't might read it once and never come back.

Fine by me. Kinda clarifying the situation that's already here. People that read this I want them to read it but, the people that would piss me off to read this, especially to respond, don't read it.

Thinking about it is making me mad. I should work out or something to get rid of this anger but, I like working out. I like making art--I love these things and I don't want to sully them with these stupid freaking....AH!

What ever. It's done. What can you do?

posted by gimptek | 5/05/2003 11:39:00 AM
 

Fuck It.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's the same sad song, I know but, it's so damn true. I'm reverting to junior high english, I know but, I don't care. The people who read this won't so, why censor? FUCK. Even this isn't coming out right.

With few exceptions, my friends aren't friends to me. They are at best very familar aquintaces. I'm wondering how long it's going to take some of them to figure me out. I'm wondering how long it's going to take some of them to even ask how I'm doing in some way that's non-trivial. I'm tired of laying myself out every time someone asks how I'm doing and all I get in return is an attempt at a concerned look. Wipe that stupid thing off your face and get out of mine. I'm tired of choosing to be quiet for an evening and everyone all of a sudden being concerned if I'm OK or not. Just beause I'm not singing and dancing a damn jig. Just because I'm not engaging and out going and interesting, something is wrong. I feel like a server. Some stupid machine that sits in the corner and only get's attention when it's broken. I'm not some fucking machine. I know when people aren't listening and I know when people don't care. People don't have to care. It's their perogative. But, don't say your going to care if your not and don't act all concerned if your not. Don't be suprised when I leave and don't worry about the silence. It's not your problem any more and maybe it never was.

posted by gimptek | 5/05/2003 11:18:00 AM


4/28/2003  

I am an island.

Like I predicted, no one signed up as of 24 hours later. Only a couple of people complained that I sent them junk mail. I'm sure when they see me they might say something. I'm skipping the whole rant about backwards friends and their anti-technology stance.

It's OK. I am an island in a digital sea. I'm only asking to build a bridge.

posted by gimptek | 4/28/2003 08:32:00 PM
 

Safety in Subconsious

I just had the best dream:

I was just this afternoon. I was asleep for 30 min. It was all based on me and my brother Daniel on some sort of road trip. Well, for some reason, he

brought his girlfriend along. I don't know if he has one in real life. Well, she was perfect in a way only girl in your dreams can be.

The dream centered around us stopping somewhere and the sun was shining in it's full glory, we had bought a camera (two actually, in an earlier dream) and

he was trying to take a picture of her. He knew that I was better with cameras and photography so, he hands the camera to me.

So, I'm staring at the woman of my dreams who seems to be in love with my brother, through the lens of a camera. How's that for romantic detachement? She

looked like a mix between my friend Jason's sister Carrie and the comedian Sarah Silverman.

Now, this whole dream was based around the photography of this girl. It was her smile and the way she looked at me and trying to photograph her. Well, a little thing about photography is that the focal length of the lens (ie.-the zoom) kinda governs how wide someone seems in the frame. When they say the camera adds ten pounds, this is what they mean. Well, being a dream, I would try to shoot her up close and change the focal length on the camera and I can see her add fat on her face and lose it again. It was weird.

I had this feeling, this thought through my head that it was just her behind that. When I wasn't looking through the camera, she looked fine, normal, Beautiful but, through the lens, she was distorted. It was the camera doing this. Well, I kept working the focal length until she looked as beautiful as she did without the camera. Some how I got her to laugh and this seemed to be when her beauty was shinning through the brightest and the whole phenomenon just seemed to stop when she laughed. I tried so hard to get her laugh in the shot... But, it didn't make it in and then I woke up.



posted by gimptek | 4/28/2003 07:40:00 PM
 

Safety in Solitude

Junk mail wouldn't be so bad except it's the only thing I get.

posted by gimptek | 4/28/2003 05:23:00 AM
 

I am an island.

Found out about a new website/web service called Friendster. It's great. It takes personal relationships and uses them as the basis for an online digital community, a web of friends basically. It's such a simple and revolutionary idea, I'm suprised no one has thought of it before now.

The possiblities of this site are endless. If everyone actually participated in this, you could really see if you are 7 steps from Kevin Bacon or anyone else you might want to find out about. The great thing about Friendster is that it uses your friends and only your friends can see you. It's not like some random, unknown person can just look you up.

The thing that sucks is my friends aren't going to do it. I just know it. It sucks but, I know that they won't (with a few exceptions). I can name the people who are going to go for it right now. 3 people maybe 4 adventurous that I know. The rest, either scared of the idea of people knowing people, knowing them or, just scared about the web and technology in general.

I might as well live in the stone age. I have friends without call waiting for crying out loud. Never mind cell-phones and what not, call-waiting. I'm starting to talk like a techno-snob here but, there's no reason not to have it if lets you communicate better.

I'm a tech forward person. When I see cell phones and text messaging, I see it as new forms and mediums of communication that people adjust to, other people see it as just another intrusion into their lives and time. I see it as another way of getting a hold of someone. There was a time when the thought of calling someone was obsene and rude. Another time when the only communiation to be had was through letters or by telegraph. To them, we must seem insanely connected. "You can call someone in their home and talk to them live? As if standing next to you?", they would say.

Once they got up for swooning at the greatness of it all and you explained to them the technology and they understood it, there would be the cultural barrier to cross. Everyone and every culture must cross it. Most people don't remember crossing it because they grew up into it but, as people get older there's the choice of staying where you are comfortable with how everything works or pushing yourself into where modern culture is.

Japanese school girls are very ahead of the game (a cultural group probably the most ahead in the world) and while Japan is already very ahead in and of itself, these school girls are famous for taking the latest device or commucation technology (especially when it comes to cell-phones) and making them work in their social groups on a day to day basis. They are why text messaging is going to be the Next Big Thing with cellphones. Because, these girls would use the messaging instead of making actual phone call and thus saving themselves the money of making a call. Japanese in general have made having a cellphone and cellphone ediquette(sp?) a part of their culture. One thing that really cool and useful is that you text message someone before calling them.

This small thing makes all the difference in the world because a text message is silent and can be answered later and doesn't need to be attended to right away. This also allows someone to set a date or a reminder of something or get approval without making a phone call that can get lengthy when the real point of the call is just a short request. This actually saves alot of time and effort, efficiently using both people's time. But, people (ie-my friends) don't seem to see this side of the benefit. They seem to say that technology is for the new, the young the ambitious and leave cellphones and pagers and other communication things to people who want them.

This wouldn't be so bad except that these people are my age. All under 30 and most under 22. People have stopped progressing technologically at 22. There is something wrong with that peer group.

Here's something I'm sure is a treat! My picture. Yeah I know it's bad but, what can you do? I didn't take it :)

posted by gimptek | 4/28/2003 04:25:00 AM


4/19/2003  

Cult of the New

"Herecy! I can already smell the wood burning."

It's not that I haven't wanted to blog lately or that stuff hasn't been happening but, it's just that I'm working on my new website and any free time spent on a computer outside of this endevor is sacreligous in the Dogma of Me. Herecy! I can already smell the wood burning. I can hear the collective salivation of all you readers. This is the place that I will show the progress of the new site.

I might get a job. I'll keep you posted.

-E.Mwangi

posted by gimptek | 4/19/2003 08:17:00 PM


4/14/2003  

Safety in Silence

"Each person I know is a great, deep mystery--one that will probably keep enthralled for all time. One person is more than I can know..."

The time has come. My blog has gone public. I tried to keep it a select few and use it an emotional brodcast tool to tell people how I feel instead of repeating myself needlessly. I imagined a future where instead of telling the umteenth person that I'm great and this and this are going on in my life, I can just relax and say read it in the blog or people would at least read it every now and then and catch up with me and how I'm doing instead of asking me all the time. It's also a great way to go into detail about things that people aren't going to sit down and listen to.

Or so I thought. Blogs are horrible at this. I can't say what I want to say because someone might get hurt (that person is most likely me) and it gives someone pretty deep access if they just got the link and don't know who I am. I'm a really open person but, early on (like I'm so late in the game now--at 21) I learned that you can be too open and everyone doesn't need to be that close. Apparently, I'm still learning that lesson.

Because of this problem, the scope of my blog is going to be toned down. I don't know how much I'll pull it back but, I'm going to have to censor myself on this thing. I'll keep all the deeply personal tid-bits to myself. Some things aren't going to change though. Poetry, still going to stay. What else is going and what else is staying I don't know yet, it's just that I'm slowly starting to realize that I'm publishing. Publishing, with a big "P". The whole idea of that is close to mindboggling. People are reading what I write, people other than myself. It's teaching me things because up until this a little while ago, I was my only Reader. My audience are my friends and I don't want to hurt them with this and this blog (ie. Publishing in general) tends to have a nasty feedback effect. Me talking about things going on in my life shouldn't affect my life but, this medium does and in very unpredictable ways. Each person I know is a great, deep mystery--one that will probably keep enthralled for all time. One person is more than I can know--more than one reading into things that I didn't even see in what I write and then feeding back to in ways I don't understand; it would just be too much.

posted by gimptek | 4/14/2003 12:36:00 AM


4/11/2003  

Safety in Obscurity

I like to write poetry and I often do. I've thought about posting some here. Really, I have. But, it wouldn't be good. I cringe when I read myself. I only read my own work to critique it. Yeah, I've written a couple of worthwhile pieces but, those stay in the journal. Poetry hell, all art is my ego and putting it up can only bruise it.


Damn it!

See how much I trust you?::

Untitled (Here's to Keeping Quiet)

My only thought were questions:
LA or San Paulo
New York or Toronto
The oddity of packing swim trunks for Christmas Break
Suntan Lotion, Glasses, what else?
Facing the unknown with only your wits and supplies from Sav-ons
Quiet preperations for culture shock
Practicing the smile, not too much, think of something funny, think of her smile at 2am with speckles of paint and the street lamps glow on her face the laugh you had when you thought of kissing her the joke that you could never tell--think of that when you taste that first dish and you don't like it.
San Paulo and their salsa that she picked up--that frantic two-step samba that you could dance all night, next to her.

--

Damn it. Couldn't finish. Maybe another time. Another post. It's hard to put this out. I'm rewriting it as I type and it's good but, it's not going the way I intended it to.

As far as the title goes, it's untitled because it doesn't have one yet and may never get one but, only the end of this poem will tell if it gets a title or not. Here's to Keeping Quiet is a code name for a work in progress. The Skunkworks secret codename if you will. I'm like a covert government agency building "tools of world change" in my notebook and I have many such "tools" in different stages of design and thus need different names. Untitled #13 sounds so much worse than Here's to Keeping Quiet.

2:06 AM

More Sleepless Love

By that I mean the poetry being an expression of how much I love my random readership... Ah.. Forget it.

Untitled (Here's to Keeping Quiet) Ver. .03

My only thought were questions:
LA or San Paulo
New York or Toronto
The oddity of packing swim trunks for Christmas Break
Suntan Lotion, Glasses, what else?
Facing the unknown with only your wits and supplies from Sav-ons
Quiet preperations for culture shock
Practicing the smile, not too much, not half-assed,
think of something funny, think of her smile at 2am
the speckles of paint and the street lamps glow on her face
the laugh you had when you thought of kissing her
the one joke that you could never tell
think of that on the first dish as you taste culture shock.
San Paulo and their salsa that she picked up--that frantic
two-step samba tada-da-tada-da-tada-tada
that you could dance all night, next to her.
--

Still not done. Need to think of an way to wrap this up or maybe take another story arc about how I hurt myself badly through her. I need to write about that--how I keep hurting myself with useless crushes and infatuations. I'm teaching my heart the wrong thing to love and the wrong way to love once I find the right person to love. Yeah, it should be about that and not about this.

That's why I have a blog. Silly--thousands of dollars of computer equipment, the internet and unseen millions of potential readers all to get me to see the light about my poem at two in the morning. I'm thinking it's the potential of people seeing this that spurs me so. Thanks reader, I couldn't have done this without you.

I should sleep now.

End stream_of_consiousness

posted by gimptek | 4/11/2003 01:56:00 AM


4/10/2003  

Exciting News


Well, exciting for me anyways. I'm actually making a website. The first splash page is up and it looks like I"m going to follow through on this one. I'm excited beyond words.

P.S.-I basically stole the idea of the splash page from White Mike. Thanks Mike. Sorry Mike.

Word of Warning to the Wise: You are not going to understand the splash image. Don't worry about that because, they're not for you. If you do happen to deduce it from interpretation and downloading the PSD of the splash image, then be my guest as to try to figure out what it is about. There are only 2 people (Jason and Deanna) who would posibly know what the image means but, they probably wouldn't because it's so vaugue. If you want to try your hand at guessing the intended meaning (which is quite specific) email me @ e_mwangi at hotmail dot com.

I meant it to be vague to facilitate the protection of the innocent. Just call me the Witness Protection Program.

Otherwises enjoy the my site. That feels so good--my new site. More good things to come soon.

Credits:
Host: coolfreepages.com - Free pages but, different in that they have PHP and MySQL on the server all in a free package while the only ads are pop-unders. Not great but, the best free hosting I've seen. 50MB w/FTP access as well.

Background: Squidfingers.com

-Website background (which I call wallpaper) are becoming all the rage and these are some of the best I've found on the net. They also make great patterns in PS.

posted by gimptek | 4/10/2003 06:48:00 PM


4/08/2003  

Fly Me To The Moon
by Frank Sinatra

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars.


In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me.


Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore.


In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you.


I'm about to serendade a girl with this song (for Jason) on campus (Biola) who I met through a friend that is chatting with her on AOL Instant Messenger®. This is might be fun but, it's more likely going to work be in convienent and not work out like we had all hoped. Things tend to be more difficult and awkward than in the movies. They wouldn't be the movies if they were real. (I'm trying to watch out for going off on tangents and rants).

We were going to go to a poetry reading tonight but, didn't go because everyone I know doesn't want to go. Same thing over and over. One of these days, I'm not going to want to go to this poetry night or wear these clothes. Not because of growth but, because I'm tired of bucking the culture.

8:05 pm
We're going to sing for this girl in mere minutes I tell myself. Mere minutes away. Sound's like I'm backing down but, I'm not. We are on the way and I'm going to give her the concert of her life or at least her week or at least sing so loudly and badly and brashly until it becomes endering and she smiles--a move taken right out of Will Ferrel's book.

8:43
Looks like IM has taken down another victim. We are not going to sing this girl a serenade. She's not going win the Jack Johnson CD from my friend and I'm going to go home and eat something, watch a glowing box and sleep so, I can repeat this whole procedure tomorrow. I need a job.

posted by gimptek | 4/08/2003 08:15:00 PM


4/07/2003  

4:39 AM

Online Personals suck just as much as people think that they would. Just wanted to clarify.

For some reason. I don't want to sleep right now.

posted by gimptek | 4/07/2003 04:42:00 AM
 

Found a couple of people but, I'm trying to narrow it down some more. I'll see how it looks tomorrow and see if anyone picked up at the bait.

It's 4 am and my body knows it.

posted by gimptek | 4/07/2003 03:55:00 AM
 

Slim Pickins

Looking around at the personal ad site, it's disappointingly slim pickings. No I'm not interested in goth/wiccan chicks who go both ways. I'll take my girl kind, firey and one-of-a-kind, please.

There's no hope for me. 6 Billion and not a one is even remotely interesting to me. Maybe I should flip the coin and start dating guys. The only person remotely interesting in the concept of the female version of my friend Tendo.
No offense to my good friend Tendo (who I have told this to).

posted by gimptek | 4/07/2003 03:00:00 AM
 

I posted my first real personal ad.



Search for the username all_and_none if you are intersested in looking at it.

Everyone reading this is probably going to interested in looking at it so, give it a whirl. It also has the one picture of me that I think is half-way decent (it's no where close to good but, decent is enough for me) It's in a movie critics database site (rotten tomatoes) and I was intrigued by the quality and character of the women posting there were. It's kinda scary and cool at the same time.


I'm posting because... It would be a good experiment. I'm truely curious of the type of people out there. I put that I am a Christian clearly. I also put that I was looking for friends in addition to interdigitation buddies (that's for Granda Heights Friends so, don't cry if you didn't laugh at that joke)(Don't cry if it isn't funny either).


I'm really hoping to find an Emo-Chic with a poet's soul, a beat-nut haircut and a propensity for videogames but, I probably won't find her.


There's something Emo about that; knowing you won't find your soul-mate (or at least what you think wll be the perfect match) and searching anyway--a pathetic sort of romance. A hope from the lack of hope in a situation.

I'm hoping I don't come off as pathetic. I really am. I could stand everything else other than seeming pathetic because that's the only way I won't get replies to my personal ad.

Personal Ad. I'm selling myself to the open market. I'm a graphic designer so, I'm used to selling myself.

posted by gimptek | 4/07/2003 02:02:00 AM


4/04/2003  

-Fashion-
As long as I'm not naked, I've satified my obligation to others. Asking anything more than that is exactly that--asking. I've always had my own way of dressing myself, different from almost everyone I know. I see it as a valid form of self-expression.

Self-expression is valid by itself. By that, I mean that a person does not need to express it in such a way to make the expression understandable to anyone, even yourself. Self-expression doesn't need to be a form of communication that is understandable to be valid. It can be an outlet of tension or stress that once done is its own reason for exsistance. In other words, the very fact that an expression exsists in any form is reason enough for the expression. If someone splatters paint on canvas in a way that only feels right or re-arranges their furniture or even just fixates and ponders on the color red for a while, that can be an expression. One doesn't need to know why doing something is an outlet for thoughts or feelings as long as they know or feel a relationship between those two things--a feeling or tension inside of them and an expression of it through action or thought.

The problem lies in the fact that while I like to express myself through what I wear, my friends often not only don't understand it (which is OK to me) they also kinda sorta make me feel bad for my own self-expression through what I wear. Wearing clothes is not dictated by friends or family any further than me not being naked. That's a clear and easy distinction to make being a guy. When I say not being naked, I also mean not wearing anything too taboo or risque, i.e. not wearing anything close to naked or overtly revealing or in bad taste. And taboo/risque things aren't out of the picture but, I see them as tools in self expression to get a strong reaction out of people. Those are tools that I almost never use but, if I were a girl, I would have a much larger grey area with those things but, I am a man and don't really worry about it because I stay far from the boundaries of good taste.

I recently wasn't too happy on a sunday morning, going to church and I just didn't feel like being cheerful. I decided to wear black and alot of it just because I felt like it. In the back of my mind as I was dressing I wondered if anyone would notice. I wore a black sleeveless sweater over a black dress shirt on top of a black undershirt. I also wore black jeans, black shoes and black tie to match. (I also wore black socks and underwear but, those were just for me to know--Self-expression for my own benefit.) I went out the door that day in all black, to church no less. Three layers of clothes in 85 degree weather and a rather sad and quiet disposition in exchange for my cheerful outgoing mood. Not a single person noticed. Not only that, they kept asking me all day why I have so much on. Whatever.

Apathy. That's usually my answer to people's ignorance of me. I've known people for years that still treat me with sterotypes. Sterotypes are good tools to use if you understand them for making quick guesses about people or situations but, you can't bank on them.

So, that's what I did. I didn't say what happened. I don't wear what I want to wear out because my friends don't understand and usually taunt me for being different. So, I've felt myself slowly change what I do wear opposed to what I want to wear to suit their tastes and taboos. No one in my group of friends understands me to any significant degree and only 2 or 3 people in my group of friends understands the fact that I'm different from the group and change myself when I'm in the group. They understand this because they themselves change when they are in the group. It's a special bond that all minorities (minorities in the larger, conceptual meaning of the term) share. Being out of the group versus being in the group. It's not a simple thing to grasp especially when you are in the majority of the group.

My friends are trying to understand me as a minority. The fact that I'm both African and African-American in a largely white church (the institution that me and most of my friends share). That I'm very urban and liberal while they are decidedly conservative on things. [For most people reading this, I am probably very conservative in your eyes but, the church and thus the group of friends that I have would be considered ultra-conservative.] Some of my friends are interested and do try to understand me. They put forth effort and show growth in that area while others are completely oblivious to it.

Another minority/majority relationship I have with the people at my church is the distinction between significantly divergent expression and simply mainstream expression. What I mean by this is that sometimes you have to step outside the boundaries of the group to express yourself. Sometimes this is being the only voice saying that we should go out to a museum or something more culturally significat than just seeing a biggest box office draw that saturday. Sometimes that is dressing formally to church (ie. a tie) everyone else isn't going that formal. Sometimes you have to stand in the face of what everyone else is thinking if only to express yourself and make your stand.

Being a conservative bunch, my group of friends and church and by definition all conservative structures have a way of hammering down the nail that sticks out. Now, don't get me wrong. Conservative strutures (like my group of friend or my church) are Good and worthwhile as a system of regulation. There are just some areas that this shouldn't happen. It's at this point that I have trouble. I don't want to change an institution drastically away from the Good things that brought it this far, I just want people to see that hindering someone from expressing themselves or holding someone back for the sake of the comfort of the group is a hinderance to the group itself.

People must conform to the group but, the ways people conform should all have valid reasons. People shouldn't do something just because this is the way people always did them and at the same time a member of the group shouldn't overturn a tradition of the group frivilously. Like the movie; we always see movies. I say we should do something other than a movie because we've done movies for so long and a museum or a play or something like that would he a benefit to the group over a movie.

Another problem with conforming is that over time, someone conforming for the sake of the group but, is reality a different way will change to what they are conforming to over time. For example, there are many things that I see and I think would look cool to wear. I don't buy them because I'll never wear them because my friends would think they are strange. I think they are cool but, my friends wouldn't and over time my view starts drifting towards theirs to the point that I start seeing things that I knew I liked before in a dimmer light. This is a loss over time. This isn't growth. It's not a change in fashion where tastes change but rather a change in the willingness to push the group's boundaries and my own person limitations in thought and action when it comes to clothes.

I said that I tend to take things seriously. I think about things alot. There are very few idle words that people say and very few idle actions that people do.

Tonight, I'm going to a party where we are going to watch a movie and talk about it. It's going to be something that I might not want to end up watching. It's also going to be a time where I am going to wear something that I had at first decided not to wear for the sake of the group's tastes. For the curious, it's a black, Shaq brand sweatsuit with a stripe of rust and caramel down the sides I got from Walmart a couple of months ago. Yeah, I know, Walmart/Shaq but, it was under $50 and I like the color. I'll get a Sean John when I get my cheeze up. I'm wearing it tonight because it's something I love and bought because I love and never wear because of the group. I'll see how it goes and report back here.

-This Blog entry is dedicated to Jason because he encouraged me to speak my mind no matter how many words it takes.

posted by gimptek | 4/04/2003 06:36:00 PM


3/25/2003  

Romance Killed Love

posted by gimptek | 3/25/2003 11:43:00 PM
 

y=sin(x) OR "Just wanna point out the Bounce"

I'm way too unstable. Up, Down, Repeat. Apparently, there's no rest for the foolish.

posted by gimptek | 3/25/2003 07:08:00 PM


3/21/2003  

Capitalism Is A Harsh Mistress

Good Lord have Mercy, I am a geek. The things that you know but just haven't sat and listed. Maybe I play too many RPGs. My favorite types are Console (Square), Paper (AD&D) and Computer (Diablo ll), in that order.

posted by gimptek | 3/21/2003 03:43:00 PM


3/10/2003  

Hm... Alright, I like someone or at least thought I did. Someone I admire and respect someone a bit guarded. That someone started to notice that I like them and now I know why they act guarded towards me. It kills me that they don't like me. It kills me that they don't want to be my friend because being my friend would seems to have this alterior motive behind it.

I was talking to another friend, Deanna about it and she said that this girl has problems with guys trying to be friends with her and liking her and not truly wanting to be her friend. She says, just be her friend. It's kinda tough when she knows I like her.

This is so 6th Grade drama. But, it happens and is a part of my experience. It's frustrating. I thought I liked her. I even entertained thoughts of loving her and The Happy Ending©. I need more self control. Damn it, I don't need self control, I need to let God rule my life. I'm in need of Reign. Just letting go and not being convinced but rather allowing my faith to guide me to the of His choosing.

I realized last night in that time before I was going to sleep with an amount of anxiety and frustration that really surprised me that this whole thing about this girl that I liked wasn't really about the girl. It was about me, my trust in God and what I allow Him to do in my life. I had the classic Solomon problem--not giving God rule over his love life.

Basically, I don't trust God to find someone for me. I'm content in finding someone myself and giving it a shot. If I fail, it will be at least something I did to myself.

To have loved and lost is better than to never have loved at all.

What a total crock that line. Getting your heart broken is not better than not getting your heart broken. Allowing yourself to think that this is the one without any real reason other than, "she smiled at me" and "she's hot" and "I could see ourselves together" is not Good.

I completely belive that you allow yourself to fall in Love. You actually will yourself to Love someone, there's no real falling involved. You build someone up in your mind and give them a large amount of worth and give being with them significance and say to yourself,"This is Love! It cannot fail." and when it does, that tower that was built, comes crashing down.

This whole situation makes me want to be really quiet. Just not talking so much, calming down on my interactions. Chilling out with my advice on Love, especially. Just listening to my friends more. Just listening to God more.

The Happy Ending©
The Happy Ending© is a litmus test of sorts with a girl I see. It involves her & I, 60 years from now, with matching rocking chairs. I look over at her and can I imagine seeing the same thing then as I do now? Is this something that has grown over time? Is she even there, with me or just somewhere else? It's an odd sort of test but, I want someone who can stand the test of time. Being hot is OK but, if it comes at the price of immaturity and spiritual/emotional instability, then I want no part in it. Everyone wants a The Happy Ending© but, at what price?

posted by gimptek | 3/10/2003 02:54:00 PM


3/09/2003  


This blog was supposed to be about Church. But, that blog has come and gone (erased when the browser crashed). My goal with these blogs seems to be just to make my thoughts and feelings to make sense to someone else other than myself and not to write so meta-writing (ie. writing about writing) but, just to actually write. It's not a book on writing this blog is how I am and how I feel (in front of strangers no less).

The writing for strangers part is kinda weird. I could make this private but, I would rather use this opportunity to define better boundaries about what I share and don't share. It feels rather limited to write for no one to read. If I was going to do that, I would just have an off-line journal rather than a blog.

I'm a Christian and bear the name of Christ through that. I want to be truthful but, don't want to be a bad witness.

posted by gimptek | 3/09/2003 07:33:00 PM


3/03/2003  

Jon Blog:
2003-02-22 08:08:00
Charlotte Brontë... I like Jane Eyre. She mentions letterpress in Chapter One, and ligatures in Chapter Two.


I haven't read Jane Eyre but, I'm sure it doesn't center around typography. Only Jon could read Jane Eyre and think about typography.

posted by gimptek | 3/03/2003 04:55:00 PM
 

Monday, March 3rd. That's not for you, that's for me. If I didn't type that now or think about it every now and then, I wouldn't know what day it is. I feel trapped under the weight of my life but, yet at the same time, I know that the stuff in my life doesn't isn't that heavy just requires some lifting. Maybe I'm just lazy. Lazy and lonely. Lazy because I'm lonely. Lonely because I'm lazy. This should bit of wisdom should inspire me but somehow, I know it won't.

posted by gimptek | 3/03/2003 04:11:00 PM


3/01/2003  

Whew! Good Grief! [Third Random Excamation]!

Melodrama. All of my past posts have been melodrama. Look at them if you want to be entertained.

I think my problem is that I want to conquer all of my problems in one foul swoop, one single perfect katana strike and have the sword back in the sheath before my opponent hits the ground. See, I'm doing it again.

On that note, I'm going to post about what's happening right now. March 1st, today. I'm doing laundry, or at least that's what's planned.

Let the feelings wait for tomorrow, let the work be done today.

I haven't posted in over a year. WOW. Here's to not waiting another day.

posted by gimptek | 3/01/2003 09:50:00 AM


8/07/2001  

I like my mediocorness. (Like Spelling) My strengths may be weakness but, here in lies the secret of my success, my weaknesses are strengths. Everyone has weaknesses but, making mine the most manageable (eventually dealing with them) and optimizing my strengths without introducing new weaknesses is key. Strengths are for Great people, living Great lives. Greatness is not a great as Great people would have you belive. It only looks that way. The only thing that's Great about that life is the problems. You couldn't pay me enough money to have a Great life. People don't apprciate Great people, they envy them, belittle their Greatness, follow blindly and complain when they find the problems inherent in a Great life. Mediocre is the place to be. Enough is as Great as a feast, a Great man once said (off of Jessica's bubbs resume, so it must be Great) and why go out asking for problems, don't enough come one already? Finding the balance of Problems vs. Greatness is the key. Finding out where you want to be. What you want out of life. Anyone can do anything if they set their mind to it. In other words, if you want it enough, you can have it. The more I live, the more I find that for most Great things, I don't want them, enough.

There is the problem of just sheer laziness, not doing what you should just to survive (on the many levels of survival [Why does television have to ruin perfectly good words?]) but, the question of Greatness is as far as I have seen, optional. OK, maybe being called of God isn't optional. You can learn alot of stuff from hanging out with missionaries-in-training. They have the strangest outlook on life. They know they are going to suffer. They are sitting, half-naked (nakedness, emotionally, seems to be a large part of ICS [InterCultual Studies] program at Biola) on the Doctor's office, waiting for a shot. This isn't just a shot for them, many real people kinda hang in the balance because of them. They don't heal people but, they kinda spread the disease that will heal them. They help the people while waiting for them to catch the disease. Sometimes, the best way for the disease to spread is through a missionaries death. They are training to be Great. Missions work is the hardest thing at Biola. Forget computer science, if I forget what struct goes where, I'm not going to damn some poor person in Belize in eternal damnation. OK, that's a bit extreme but, the prices of greatness are on a different scale.

Living as I do, in mediocrity (Hurray for proper english (or as proper as this mutt of english education can get)) is not so bad as has been pointed out by many a poet (who, in their lives, have lived as some of the greatest cowards in history; Emily Dickenson, hello?). Take the lillies of the god-damn field, they don't live Great lives, or do they? They take dirt, sun and air and make it into a pale yellow smile for God and anyone lucky enough to be close enough to be. No person hinges on the beauty of a flower but, it is beautiful. Now if every flower stopped blooming, we might see a small rise in the worldwide depression rate or more divorces happening in the West but, one flower is not going to be the end of anyone.

Life would be perfect as that one flower. Shine for God and die quietly. (I'm sounding like I should be shopping for log cabins...) What more could one want? That's the exact problem, one wanting. One almost lusting after an easy life. I'll be the first to admit that mediocrity is selfish. There are too many situations where you have to be Great. Child-rearing being one of them. No one deserves to be raised in mediocrity, if a parent can avoid it, or do they? Ultimately, that person that you produce will be a stranger, they are a stranger when they come and a stranger when they go. Parent-Child Relationships are for mortals. The model falls on its face after only the first 25 years of life of the child. After adulthood, children are children by society and title. This is what we talked about at the "Thing" last week. It's this idea that both child and parent come to. Everyone except me and Stephanis had the Western view of it where it was just lived out, my moving out, going to college, etc. Stephanis and I had a distinctly non-western view of it where we were kinda locked in the parent-child relationship with death being the only way out. They seems to be from the financial adantage of having a small factory of moneymakers at your disposal, paying you tribute; like a King and peasents. I feel that this has to do with the classic monarchy standard of calling your King, Lord, in referencing to God who we should really be calling Father. In a strange twist of hermanutics, "honor thy father and mother" in the bible really as a financial connotation rather than a respectful obdience connotation that parents use against us with so much furvor. Don't you just love people who go back in the greek to get this stuff? Almost makes you want to put the extra year in college, doesn't it? Almost is the key word.

Just a little stray thought of you and life at work.

posted by gimptek | 8/07/2001 11:50:00 AM
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